Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
fair
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.