Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
God has left this place
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
🗽
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too