Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules