Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The police never think its as funny as you do.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”