Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

With a text.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.