every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
