Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?