every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
