Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.