Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.