Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

new record!

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance