Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”