Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

This kid is going places