every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Oh my God.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
