every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Cashiers are always checking me out
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
