every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
How times have changed.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
