every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
who wore it better?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
