every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“What?”
– Jude
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Yup….perfect score!
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people