Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

fixed it

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

I put the mess in domestic.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!