Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.