Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

i baked you a cake

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.