every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
You Might Also Like
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers