every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
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why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.