Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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so weird how every mom was born today
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
