Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect