Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater