Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.