Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
This makes total sense…
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.