Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..