Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes