Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Another day, another…goddammit

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.