Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Good morning

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.