Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”