Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Oh boy, $150,000!

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.