Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Lmaoo 😂
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious