Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.