Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now