Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.