Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
is it too early for christmas memes
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.