Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return