“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.