“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee