Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*