Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

When I grow up, I want to be 16

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

How many? 🤔

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb