Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Your secret is safeish with me

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?