Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Bed should get ready for ME

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.