Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?