everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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Had an epiphany today.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
murder on the timeline
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Leftovers are for quitters!
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
This is hilarious
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”