“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
his wife is probably gonna see that
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.