“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
english majors be like furthermore
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Wait a second…
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*limbos away from your hug*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year