Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

I told my vodka about you.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

The biggest mystery of our time

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.