Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Very good news from my accountant
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.