Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
“I wouldn’t.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”