Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?