Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.