everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.