everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Van Gone
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up