everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
thinking about this
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes