Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden