[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?
Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?
Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out