Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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english majors be like furthermore
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
motivation
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
😜
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.