@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

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@TuSoonShakur

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

@Parkerlawyer

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.

@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

@VenisVal

Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!

@rolldiggity

Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out