Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
We decided to have money instead of children.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones