Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.