Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.