Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
