Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
