Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You Might Also Like
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked