Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Just ordered me some pizza!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake