Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

dril cadence

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now