Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You Might Also Like
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos