Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
#math
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.