Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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A Short Story.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Welcome to the stomach
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
what do you want
