Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
So we got a goldfish…
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️