Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.