Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
It’s the weekend y’all
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.