Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket