Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

selfie game

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru