Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying