Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

me and who

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.