Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Is this you?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt