Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Why? Just why? 😂
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.