Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart