Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle