“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Just a reminder, folks:
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
United Steaks of America
