“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Twitter fine art
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
getting groceries
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Welcome
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.