Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

why no one uses midhusbands

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.